All or Nothing
by Rogue Vader
Summary: JATE. A meeting that takes place between Jack and Kate post-rescue but before TtLG. Kate tells Jack why she can't see him anymore.


**DISCLAIMER: **Lost does not belong to me and I am not pedaling this story for monetary gain.

**A/N:** I'm not sure why Kate asked Jack not to call her but – eh – here's one of my takes on the situation. I wrote this quickly without much proof-reading or fleshing it out; it usually takes me weeks, even months, to write a story and tweak it until I feel like it's okay enough to be posted. I know, for anyone who has read more than one of my stories it's probably hard to tell. But, anyway, if there are a ton of mistakes feel free to holler.

**All or Nothing**

Jack sits alone on a park bench. His head is bowed and his hands are clasped tightly together in his lap. He is impeccably dressed, clothed in tailored slacks the color of charcoal and a button down shirt of deep burgundy. His face is freshly shaved and his hair combed and parted. A passerby might mistake him for a man deep in prayer, with his solemn expression and unnatural stillness.

But Jack is only waiting. Kate has asked to see him. He has not seen her in person for months. Before that, he had not seen Kate since that day in the parking garage, the last day of her trial. After being with her almost daily for more than three months – months that felt like years – the separation is hard to accept. He knows he can end it, a single word from him and he can be with her every day until the end of his life. But that is hard, too. For other reasons.

He looks up and down the trail, watching for her familiar form. Excitement and dread make his heart pound. His legs start to bounce up and down and he forces himself to stay still. Jack doesn't want to appear anxious. He goes back to staring at his feet.

Kate's arrival takes him by surprise. She sits beside him before she says a word of greeting and turns her body to face him. Jack looks up at her and what he sees fills him with dread. There is no greeting in her eyes, no happiness to see him. All Jack sees is a kind of sad tenderness.

"Kate," he says with a small smile. He does not try to embrace her, does not try to touch her at all.

"Hi, Jack." Her voice is soft and his name sounds like a whisper.

The dread intensifies. Jack wishes he had not agreed to meet her, so he could push this moment off just a little longer. He slaps his hands on his thighs and takes a deep breath, his gaze flicks to and from Kate's face. "So, you wanted to see me?"

"Yeah, I did."

She does not speak after that. And she is silent so long that Jack wonders if she is waiting for some response from him. He forces himself to meet her eyes, to hold them. Kate is searching his face, she looks so long and so deeply that Jack is sure there is no corner of him she does not see. He wonders when that changed, when she gained the ability to know his thoughts and feelings more clearly than he did. There were so many crossed wires before, so much concealment and misunderstanding. Now he feels completely exposed beneath her gaze.

"Will you walk with me?"

Jack nods and gets to his feet. Kate sets the pace and he falls in beside her, careful not to brush his shoulder against hers. He knows she will not welcome it.

They walk without looking at one another. Jack stares only at the trail at his feet. He thinks Kate is looking up at the trees, at the birds that flit from branch to branch, but he does not check. Her pace is slow, leisurely, and Jack keeps his steps short and slow to stay beside her. Beside her but not close. She does not say a word and Jack wonders if she is gathering her courage. Like he is gathering the scattered bits of his. He wishes all he had to do was enjoy this moment with her, savor the luxury of occupying the same space. But the idea makes him feel selfish.

"Jack..." Kate's voice trails off and she stops walking. Jack stops beside her and pushes his hands into his pockets. They are curled into fists and he does not want Kate to see. For a long moment Kate looks no higher than his shoulder. Jack feels suspended in time, held in limbo waiting for the words he does not want to hear. He clenches his jaw as Kate takes a determined breath and raises tear bright eyes to his.

"You're never going to be okay around Aaron, are you?"

The words are spoken softly, there is no accusation in them, but Jack feels them like a slap in the face. He has no answer to give her.

"I can't keep doing this, Jack. I don't...I don't think we should speak to each other anymore."

Even expected, the words are like a blow to his gut. They rob Jack of breath and he takes a step backward, as if distance will lessen the reverberation of pain. He presses his lips together and shakes his head.

At his most honest, Jack knows Kate should have said something, called him out, months ago. But he refuses to admit that to her because, when he does, he knows she will be gone forever. And he's not ready for that, he never will be. Somehow he's convinced himself that the illusion of hope is better than none at all.

"Kate -,"

Something in his voice must warn Kate that he is going to try to reason with her, to cajole her, because she shakes her head.

"No," she says. "We can't do this anymore, Jack. _I _can't."

Kate turns her back to him and takes two quick steps away. When she turns back her tears are in check and she seems suddenly frustrated, even angry. For a moment he thinks she will yell at him. But the flare of emotion burns out quickly, leaving her looking defeated and empty. She crosses her arms over her chest, a protective gesture, and keeps her distance.

"I hate this, Jack. How we are." She rubs her hands up and down her arms, like she is cold. "I can't – continue like this. Seeing you, talking to you but not..." Kate presses her lips together and shakes her head. Jack wants to go to her, take her in his arms. But it won't help her. This sadness, her helplessness, is because of him. And he hates that he is the cause, that he is the weak one who will not let her walk away.

"Every time you call, every time I see you, I think that maybe we have a chance. But we don't, Jack. Do we?"

She wants him to tell her she is wrong. She means to sound determined and decided, but Kate can't bring herself to give up on him completely. Beneath the pain and fatalism there is a well of hope that has not quite gone dry. And she is asking him to fill it for her. Jack wishes he could do it and still be honest.

Kate wipes a hand down the side of her face. "I know guilt, Jack. I get it. How it eats a person up inside. And I think – I think I've finally realized that you'll never be able to live with it." She laughs without humor. "At least, not with me and Aaron around to remind you."

"Kate, no -"

She cuts him off again. "If...if I thought we might..." She shakes her head. "I'd wait forever for you, Jack, if I thought you could be happy with me. With us." Her voice warbles and she clamps her mouth shut, collecting herself. "But it's not going to happen, and I know it now. And I can't keep doing this to myself. I love you, Jack, but I can't live with only parts of you. Maybe I'm selfish, I probably am, but I want everything. And if I can't have that, then..."

Kate doesn't have to finish the sentence.

The words shudder out of him. "Kate...I can't."

He wants to. He wants to more than he's ever wanted to do anything. But the shadows of the people they left behind walk beside him daily, haunting everything he does. The images of their faces, their voices in his head, eat at him until he feels raw from the inside out. And he knows he won't be whole until he finds them again.

Kate smiles, her mouth trembles and tears finally spill across her cheeks. "I know," she whispers. Her understanding, her acceptance, is painful.

Jack is not looking at her, he cannot, when she wraps her arms around his neck. Her cheek presses to his and he can feel the moisture of her tears. Her body is warm against him. He does not want to hug her back, he wishes she would not touch him at all. All he wants is to turn and run, to escape from pain and regret and guilt. If he never felt again it would be a blessing.

But Kate is leaving him. She is walking away for the good of her own heart, and his too. Only it doesn't feel good, and Jack knows that will never change. And because he may never see her again, touch her again, he lifts his arms and embraces her. Jack inhales the scent of her and memorizes the way she feels in his arms. He tries not to think of how he never got to hold her the way he wanted to.

"Goodbye, Jack." The words are whispered next to his ear and then Kate pulls away from him. "I love you."

Jack nods, unable to speak. He wishes they could have said those words more often. He shoves his hands back in his pockets to keep from pulling her to him.

Her farewell said, Kate leaves him. She does not look at him, but as he walks by her fingers brush across the back of his hand. A whisper of a touch. Jack's hand curls into a fist and he listens to her footsteps as they fade, strains to hear them until they disappear completely. He stares without blinking at the place where she said goodbye until he is sure she is gone.


End file.
